It All Started from Disappointment

Before she hung up, the voice on the other end of the phone ended the conversation with, “I love you and I’ll see you this weekend.”

…Friday rolls around and the school dismissal bell rings. It’s officially the weekend. Anticipation begins to build and hope fills her heart. All she wanted was an answered prayer.

“God please let this time be different.”

Ready to go and bags packed by the door, she watches the TGIF lineup and patiently waits. The time seems to speed up because all of the shows have gone off. It’s late. Even though her mom closed the front door, she can still see the headlights of cars passing.

She only wanted to know, “Why are none of the cars turning into my driveway?” Her hope begins to fade and sadness appears.

“Is he coming?” The girl asks her mom even though she knew the answer.

“No baby,” her mother replied.

As the tears flowed down this young girl’s face she was gradually changing and didn’t know it. All because of a cycle she never asked for, the constant disappointment of an absent dad.

Well, that little girl is ME!

Like so many other children I grew up in a single family home. Even though it was just my mom, I was always surrounded by love and affection from my family. My village never degraded me or put me down. Instead, they provided nothing but encouragement and support. I genuinely knew and felt loved.

It’s crazy that even my dad would tell me how proud he was of me. Bragging to everyone about my good deeds and accomplishments. He just wasn’t active in my life. I use to question, how could he be present in the lives of other children but not mine? I mean I am his only child. Was I not good enough?

Ultimately, I knew having an absent dad would affect me in some way.

But how?

Quite honestly, I never knew until I began reflecting on last week.

I couldn’t for the life of me understand why in the world it was taking me sooooo long to do a three-minute video. Like, y’all…I know I started and stopped at least 100 times! Ridiculous, I know. But my actions provided the answer to how his absence had affected me.

His absence had manifested its ugly head in the form of me being a perfectionist.

I mean, if you’re perfect nothing but good things will happen to you, right? I’ll beg to differ that it’s actually the opposite. I’m speaking from experience here people.

After actually finishing the video I realized how much I HATED being a perfectionist. And it wasn’t until yesterday I uncovered the “WHY” behind it. It’s simple, I don’t want others to feel the disappointment I felt so I want to make sure everything I do is perfect.

Now, I’ve honestly forgiven my dad. He loves me to the best of his ability but is dealing with his own issues. And I’ve accepted that and hold no hard feelings against him. I truly love him just as he is.

But what I’m realizing now is when I forgave him it didn’t close that chapter in my life. Instead, it left me feeling like I had to overcompensate to be good enough. But in reality I’m already good enough! I was born good enough.

God gently reminded me, “Though you may have felt some pieces were missing in your life, I was there to fill in the gaps.” Man, when I sit and think about this it’s like a weight has been lifted from me. It’s just confirmation that God had my back as a child and will continue to have it as an adult.

Behind me are the days that I live a restricted life because I felt I couldn’t perfect something. God created me for a purpose and I will walk in it with boldness. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

So today I share my story to encourage you to do the same. Yes, unfortunate situations will happen to us because we don’t live in a perfect world. But we do serve a perfect God who will continue to fill in every gap in our lives.

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