No “New Year, New Me” I Just Want the True Me

“…My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

When I first set out on this blogging adventure, I promised myself I’d open my life up like a book, letting the pages of my heart speak honestly and genuinely. That way, people could relate and lives would be changed. You know, “Inspiring Through My Imperfections,” right?

But one day my heart seemed to stop speaking. Blank pages were left behind that I never knew existed.

I couldn’t figure out where the blank pages came from. Did I write over certain parts of my life in invisible ink so I couldn’t refer back to them? Needless to say, I was totally confused!

It wasn’t until recently that revelation came. A friend asked me, “How many people would you say know you? Like really know you. Not just what you put out there.”

“Three, maybe four? And by ‘know me’ I’m referring to knowing me as well as I know myself.”

Driving to work that morning in silence, I thought about my response and it hit me. It stunned me. The reason I can’t see the contents of those pages is because of ME. I haven’t allowed myself to really dig deep enough into the matters of my heart. Being on earth 30+ years, you would think one would know the person living in the shell others see. But it hit me, I don’t know me!

The real me. The inner and outer workings of Eboni. Once Eboni Hunt and now Eboni Littlejohn.

Not the wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Professional.

Simply me, the person!

Immediately after acknowledging this, my internal temperature began to rise as if I was overheating. I became overwhelmed with embarrassment, shame, devastation, and anger. I felt every emotion associated with failure, sadness, and disgust during that car ride.

With the strong urge to pull over, scream, cry, and yell, I continued to drive as if this internal battle yielding frustration wasn’t going on in my head.

See, this is common practice for me, to grin and bear. To say “I’m okay,” just to maintain my composure while feeling broken on the inside.

Thinking about the events that unfolded earlier, I began to question, “How can I be vulnerable with a stranger when that stranger is me?”

Then it dawned on me, I have to be willing to get to know me. And it all starts when I open my heart and actually explore it. It’s not that my heart stopped speaking, I simply stopped exploring.

How can I impact others if I’m not truly in tune with myself?

So going into 2018 I’m choosing to make a life-changing decision. One that doesn’t include any New Year Resolutions but instead revolves around revelation. The revelation of who Eboni is.

No longer will I hold my emotions hostage, hoping to suffocate them and wishing them away. Or place a muzzle over my mouth to stop vulnerability from seeping out, even though I want it to. Instead, I plan to uncover everything I’ve buried. Intentionally or not.

Unfortunately, my story is a common-yet-sad reality for so many and it doesn’t have to be. Can you relate to this? If so, I encourage you to take this journey of self-discovery with me. Yes, it might be uncomfortable or even painful but I’m confident it will be worth it.

Just remember not to focus on the hype of “New Year, New Me” but to work on discovering the “True You.”

“I wasn’t searching for something or someone…I was searching for me.”

– Carrie Bradshaw